There's a soap on Indian television that threw some excitement at us this past week in way of a child born out of wedlock of an already married man. Peanuts, you say? That thing is the lot of every soap ever written?
Maybe, but I thought this one was different in that the man who duped his wife and got another woman (who he married later) pregnant was not made into the proverbial bad guy. But, as the female protagonist pointed out, he did wrong, so no matter what the explanation is, the act is done and no amount of justification should acquit him of his punishment/responsibilities.
It was a little eerie that they chose to air these episodes right now, for I've been wondering about this for some time. Not about double-crossing spineless men, but about rights and wrongs and justifications, I mean.
For as long as I have been able to think for myself, I've known that it is not a good thing to judge others, especially if you do not know their story. "To judge" here largely meaning to not look down on people or proclaim they are wrong simply because they operate in ways you are not comfortable in.
Now, I'm willing to make exceptions.
To judge, is to “form an opinion about through casual weighing of evidence and testing of premises.” So, what if, through careful observation and repeated experiences, your opinion of a thing, situation or person is not casual, but the opposite? Is it so wrong then to say “I know what this is about and I can tell you this is wrong?”
Sure, there is a reason why "I do not judge" is the libertarian banner most young urban people like to brandish as they try and break free from their traditional and orthodox settings. Because, our society is almost always too eager to punish anyone who is happy doing things differently, and the mark of a modern man is/was to distance himself from that kind of madness and keep an open mind.
But then, are there really no rights and wrongs, and is it necessary to interchange “I do not judge” with nonchalance and shirking of responsibilities? I doubt disinterest and taking the easy way out is what the great saints meant to propagate when they said "judge not, and you will not be judged."
I say this because I see people doing that every day, in big and small measures.
The friend will not be asked to cut back or get help for his borderline drinking problem because hey, who are we to judge? Plus, calling people out on these things can brand you “uncool”. The husband will not tell the wife that she should stop dealing in inanities or be better behaved in public because well, it’s her life. (Also, which husband can dare tell a wife that she is terribly ill mannered?) The employee will not tell the colleague that when he keeps playing Pacman on his computer during work hours it is not only distracting, but also detrimental to his career, because hey, it’s his life. Who are we to judge?
But here’s my question, if you are a responsible, thinking human being who cares (or claims to) for that friend, colleague or wife, why is it a problem for you to call them out when they are wrong?
Now of course you'll have comebacks to the tune of who am I to decide right or wrong, but then I already said, this is on the premise that the call is not based on “casual weighing of evidence and testing of premises.” That’s the thing with the universe, you see. There are some things that never change and cannot be. Being unnecessarily loud and ill mannered = people don’t really like you, no matter how much they pretend to, is one such rule.
Also, there is a vague chance that if you do hear me out, you may be ready to give this a thought and we may be able to agree or disagree like adults.
Take that man in the soap for example. He was married and claimed to be in love with his wife. Then he fathered a child with another woman who did not know he was married already.
I do not have a problem with the fact that he slept with one woman while he was married to another so much as I have with the fact that the woman and the wife were both not made aware of each other's existence. Would it be so bad if I said the man is spineless and has done a wrong thing and there are no excuses?
There, I judged. And do you really think there is any valid argument that can make any reasonably well-balanced person say or see otherwise?
I see people lying through their noses every other day and then I see people validating those lies or shrugging off the responsibility of calling those out because they "don't judge." Little do we realize that that attitude also says that we do not have any opinion on things or that we are choosing not to think. Which can't be a good thing if we claim to have fully functional brains.
Now, if to opinionate is equal to immediately branding a person a philanderer or a liar or in some way unfit to live in civil society just because his or her style is not yours, or s/he is challenging age old norms, of course I do not side with that.
But in what I see around me, people are largely hiding behind the open minded democratic banner of "I do not judge" simply to shrug off responsibilities and validate their wrongs.
"I had my reasons. He had his reasons." Sure they did, but whoever said that makes it OK? Not to mention my nagging doubt that what people think of as "reasoning" is most often than not a fear of missing out and following the herd.
Anyway, giving reasoning a chance, I'd still say this in various forms might as well be used to validate anything ranging from Hitler murdering thousands of people to crazed men shooting openly in schools to parents dressing up toddlers like grown women in dresses that draw attention to their non-existent cleavages. It's quite gross, really. Only, no one seems to mind. Here, I see nothing wrong with those who say that is not their style, for how many of the above can you really justify ?
If it is not OK, then you are agreeing that it is a wrong thing to do, which means somebody or some people are responsible for perpetrating that wrong. Would you seek to justify Hitler by way of any "he had his reasons?
Most of us, educated that we are, try to establish how modern and broad minded we are every chance we get.
And so, even though a small voice inside the head keeps telling us it cannot be a good thing that a classmate is drinking too much, we try to act "cool" with it.
So it goes with going to the temple, reading vernacular literature, objecting to that extra skimpy dress. The pressure to be "cool" overrides sensibility and in such a manner that not only are we unable to talk sense into others, we ourselves give in too.
I’ve gotten my fair share of “but this is what everyone does” in my life, so I know.
This is our way of telling the world that though I come from a family where parents are likely to get a heart attack if they knew their teenage daughter is sexually active, I'll still never warn the girl I call my "friend" against unprotected or callous sex because hey, you know what? I do not judge, I'm cool like that.
No, seriously. I once asked some men friends if they would take any woman who spent most of her energy trying to draw people's attention to her pout and low neck line seriously. This, as you know, can be done in many ways, right from how you dress to how you talk. Come on, I’m not really thinking Mamta Kulkarni.
None of those men said "yes". One said if that's what she did actively and knowingly, she was not asking to be taken seriously, so why should he care? Not that that justifies sleaze or rape, don't get me wrong, but if such a girl then cries about how people are always taking her for a bimbo, I find it difficult to sympathize for her, and I also find it difficult not to judge her for what she is doing to herself.
Ditto for men by the way, only that pouts and low neck lines are more common in women.
And then the other excuse is that people are trying to be politically correct, which often translates into "I'm too scared to speak my mind or make a decision."
You know what Dante said? If you've read Inferno (I'm not expecting anyone read and remembers The Divine Comedy), you're familiar with this: "The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis."
So, you're not doing any good by not speaking against what you know is wrong. On the contrary, you're even reserving your spot in the darkest place in hell, which I hear is not a place where they care much for political correctness in.
I recently had a somewhat heated discussion with friends over a situation that involved an extra marital affair. I had no problems with the affair, but I could not bring myself to justify the lying that came with it and I said as much.
So apparently, I made the terrible mistake of judging and someone at the table tried to tell me this was because I am Indian and that this behaviour would be acceptable in other parts of the world. I asked which part of the world, what religion or what mores justify lying (notice, I am not calling it "cheating"), disrespect and stupidity.
Exactly.
And it does not always have to be these soap opera type situations. I'm sorry, but if after more than 10 years of formal education all your conversations revolve around boys/girls, cosmos/cars, and partying, I am judging you a little. People who know me know I do my fair share of going out, but that cannot be but more than a small percentage of who I am. Besides going out, I also tried things like reading more (Hosseini’s latest is a must read), returning to formal/professional dancing and rekindling my wobbly chess-playing skills over the week (Baba taught me how to "castle" when I was still writing with pencils but then I somehow just stopped playing. I'm hoping Apple's magic apps can undo some damage ).
Anyway, you may not have any interest in these things, but you get the point?
And if you decide it is OK to shoot at and kill your girlfriend on Valentine's Day I will judge you, no matter how fast a runner you are. If you decide if is OK that your 10 year old son is calling his teacher "sexy" and you decide to laugh along instead of correcting him, is it because you have your reasons to do so?
And please, don't tell me people are different. They are, which is why some tenets of right and wrong are important. And that’s how there are good people and bad people.
Of course you have your reasons for what you do. What matters is whether they are the right ones or wrong ones.
Maybe, but I thought this one was different in that the man who duped his wife and got another woman (who he married later) pregnant was not made into the proverbial bad guy. But, as the female protagonist pointed out, he did wrong, so no matter what the explanation is, the act is done and no amount of justification should acquit him of his punishment/responsibilities.
It was a little eerie that they chose to air these episodes right now, for I've been wondering about this for some time. Not about double-crossing spineless men, but about rights and wrongs and justifications, I mean.
For as long as I have been able to think for myself, I've known that it is not a good thing to judge others, especially if you do not know their story. "To judge" here largely meaning to not look down on people or proclaim they are wrong simply because they operate in ways you are not comfortable in.
Now, I'm willing to make exceptions.
To judge, is to “form an opinion about through casual weighing of evidence and testing of premises.” So, what if, through careful observation and repeated experiences, your opinion of a thing, situation or person is not casual, but the opposite? Is it so wrong then to say “I know what this is about and I can tell you this is wrong?”
Sure, there is a reason why "I do not judge" is the libertarian banner most young urban people like to brandish as they try and break free from their traditional and orthodox settings. Because, our society is almost always too eager to punish anyone who is happy doing things differently, and the mark of a modern man is/was to distance himself from that kind of madness and keep an open mind.
But then, are there really no rights and wrongs, and is it necessary to interchange “I do not judge” with nonchalance and shirking of responsibilities? I doubt disinterest and taking the easy way out is what the great saints meant to propagate when they said "judge not, and you will not be judged."
I say this because I see people doing that every day, in big and small measures.
The friend will not be asked to cut back or get help for his borderline drinking problem because hey, who are we to judge? Plus, calling people out on these things can brand you “uncool”. The husband will not tell the wife that she should stop dealing in inanities or be better behaved in public because well, it’s her life. (Also, which husband can dare tell a wife that she is terribly ill mannered?) The employee will not tell the colleague that when he keeps playing Pacman on his computer during work hours it is not only distracting, but also detrimental to his career, because hey, it’s his life. Who are we to judge?
But here’s my question, if you are a responsible, thinking human being who cares (or claims to) for that friend, colleague or wife, why is it a problem for you to call them out when they are wrong?
Now of course you'll have comebacks to the tune of who am I to decide right or wrong, but then I already said, this is on the premise that the call is not based on “casual weighing of evidence and testing of premises.” That’s the thing with the universe, you see. There are some things that never change and cannot be. Being unnecessarily loud and ill mannered = people don’t really like you, no matter how much they pretend to, is one such rule.
Also, there is a vague chance that if you do hear me out, you may be ready to give this a thought and we may be able to agree or disagree like adults.
Take that man in the soap for example. He was married and claimed to be in love with his wife. Then he fathered a child with another woman who did not know he was married already.
I do not have a problem with the fact that he slept with one woman while he was married to another so much as I have with the fact that the woman and the wife were both not made aware of each other's existence. Would it be so bad if I said the man is spineless and has done a wrong thing and there are no excuses?
There, I judged. And do you really think there is any valid argument that can make any reasonably well-balanced person say or see otherwise?
I see people lying through their noses every other day and then I see people validating those lies or shrugging off the responsibility of calling those out because they "don't judge." Little do we realize that that attitude also says that we do not have any opinion on things or that we are choosing not to think. Which can't be a good thing if we claim to have fully functional brains.
Now, if to opinionate is equal to immediately branding a person a philanderer or a liar or in some way unfit to live in civil society just because his or her style is not yours, or s/he is challenging age old norms, of course I do not side with that.
But in what I see around me, people are largely hiding behind the open minded democratic banner of "I do not judge" simply to shrug off responsibilities and validate their wrongs.
"I had my reasons. He had his reasons." Sure they did, but whoever said that makes it OK? Not to mention my nagging doubt that what people think of as "reasoning" is most often than not a fear of missing out and following the herd.
Anyway, giving reasoning a chance, I'd still say this in various forms might as well be used to validate anything ranging from Hitler murdering thousands of people to crazed men shooting openly in schools to parents dressing up toddlers like grown women in dresses that draw attention to their non-existent cleavages. It's quite gross, really. Only, no one seems to mind. Here, I see nothing wrong with those who say that is not their style, for how many of the above can you really justify ?
If it is not OK, then you are agreeing that it is a wrong thing to do, which means somebody or some people are responsible for perpetrating that wrong. Would you seek to justify Hitler by way of any "he had his reasons?
Most of us, educated that we are, try to establish how modern and broad minded we are every chance we get.
And so, even though a small voice inside the head keeps telling us it cannot be a good thing that a classmate is drinking too much, we try to act "cool" with it.
So it goes with going to the temple, reading vernacular literature, objecting to that extra skimpy dress. The pressure to be "cool" overrides sensibility and in such a manner that not only are we unable to talk sense into others, we ourselves give in too.
I’ve gotten my fair share of “but this is what everyone does” in my life, so I know.
This is our way of telling the world that though I come from a family where parents are likely to get a heart attack if they knew their teenage daughter is sexually active, I'll still never warn the girl I call my "friend" against unprotected or callous sex because hey, you know what? I do not judge, I'm cool like that.
No, seriously. I once asked some men friends if they would take any woman who spent most of her energy trying to draw people's attention to her pout and low neck line seriously. This, as you know, can be done in many ways, right from how you dress to how you talk. Come on, I’m not really thinking Mamta Kulkarni.
None of those men said "yes". One said if that's what she did actively and knowingly, she was not asking to be taken seriously, so why should he care? Not that that justifies sleaze or rape, don't get me wrong, but if such a girl then cries about how people are always taking her for a bimbo, I find it difficult to sympathize for her, and I also find it difficult not to judge her for what she is doing to herself.
Ditto for men by the way, only that pouts and low neck lines are more common in women.
And then the other excuse is that people are trying to be politically correct, which often translates into "I'm too scared to speak my mind or make a decision."
You know what Dante said? If you've read Inferno (I'm not expecting anyone read and remembers The Divine Comedy), you're familiar with this: "The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis."
So, you're not doing any good by not speaking against what you know is wrong. On the contrary, you're even reserving your spot in the darkest place in hell, which I hear is not a place where they care much for political correctness in.
I recently had a somewhat heated discussion with friends over a situation that involved an extra marital affair. I had no problems with the affair, but I could not bring myself to justify the lying that came with it and I said as much.
So apparently, I made the terrible mistake of judging and someone at the table tried to tell me this was because I am Indian and that this behaviour would be acceptable in other parts of the world. I asked which part of the world, what religion or what mores justify lying (notice, I am not calling it "cheating"), disrespect and stupidity.
Exactly.
And it does not always have to be these soap opera type situations. I'm sorry, but if after more than 10 years of formal education all your conversations revolve around boys/girls, cosmos/cars, and partying, I am judging you a little. People who know me know I do my fair share of going out, but that cannot be but more than a small percentage of who I am. Besides going out, I also tried things like reading more (Hosseini’s latest is a must read), returning to formal/professional dancing and rekindling my wobbly chess-playing skills over the week (Baba taught me how to "castle" when I was still writing with pencils but then I somehow just stopped playing. I'm hoping Apple's magic apps can undo some damage ).
Anyway, you may not have any interest in these things, but you get the point?
And if you decide it is OK to shoot at and kill your girlfriend on Valentine's Day I will judge you, no matter how fast a runner you are. If you decide if is OK that your 10 year old son is calling his teacher "sexy" and you decide to laugh along instead of correcting him, is it because you have your reasons to do so?
And please, don't tell me people are different. They are, which is why some tenets of right and wrong are important. And that’s how there are good people and bad people.
Of course you have your reasons for what you do. What matters is whether they are the right ones or wrong ones.
Nivi, when are you starting a newspaper column? Your posts are getting better each day.
ReplyDeleteI feel judging is a sensitive topic. In a society that's too judging and interfering in an individual's personal decisions, the new generation people choose to go to the other extreme. I think conscience should be our guide, though not many are brave enough to listen to the voice of conscience. Yes, I said brave because not everyone is courageous enough to be righteous.
Thank you for your comment, Neena. I had a feeling not many would post on this one and as a result, I was also waiting to see who would. :)
ReplyDeleteYou're right about it being a delicate issue: most of us have grown up in such unreasonably conservative environments, we try to do away with all notions of right and wrong to show the world we are liberated. And be cowards who say "I do not judge", when what is really happening is that we are saying "we do not have the courage to stick to my POV or even have one".
Hi Nivedita,
ReplyDeleteA nice post and I have often wondered in this vein on quite a few occasions. But even after rereading this post, I still have my doubts and questions.
On several instances, I have advised my friends and on others, I have refrained from doing so. When I refrained, it was because
a) I thought that one should lead by example and if I can't follow my own advise (on similar matters, for instance: I ask him to quit smoking, but I am addicted to tea), how am I supposed to advise them?
or b) I decided that they were old enough to understand what was good for them and if they were still doing something which, in my opinion, is detrimental in some sense, they would have to face the consequences, of which they are hopefully aware of, at some point.
I don't know if I am right or wrong to think in this manner. I feel I am justified in thinking so, but who knows? The part about being broad-minded does strike a chord because I went from being conservative (as a lot of kids in India are raised to be because of parents or society or peers) to the other extreme (everything goes). Now that I am trying to strike a balance, it seems so difficult. Every issue has to be thought about and then given some more thought and both the sides weighed and so on.
Another issue which you brought up in your post, and about which I had a debate with an Iranian colleague here (from that part of the world, the ones who do, love to debate and talk about music and art and philosophy) about absolute beauty and if there's something right or wrong in the absolute sense. He thought there was, I didn't. I gave him examples like slavery being kosher and the norm at one point in 'civilized' society though we 'know' now that it isn't. He gave me the example of Hitler and I agreed with him. But in the end there wasn't any conclusion. I don't have one either (for any of the above issues).
A thought-provoking post.
Sincerely
Nishant.